Desperate Grasp
by AoiHyou
Summary: [What can I do?] An age old question, how to keep grasp of something that just slips through your fingers like water in your palm... Death of a soul, imprisonment of truth, grasp of desperation...[What can I do?] Yaoi.


"Desperate Grasp"  
  
Disclaimer: I own none of the Yu Yu Hakusho crew! Nada! Uh uh!  
  
Warning: This fic will be yaoi. As in shounen ai. Got it? Good! ^_^ Also,   
  
some angst... *Sniffle*  
  
A/N: this fic deals pretty much with that whole Youko/Ningen issue. The   
  
obligation of having to live his ningen life out.  
  
His eyes are vacant.  
  
I can practically see him drift farther and farther away from reality.  
  
I swear, every time I see him; a flash of silver dwindles in the crimson mass for a moment. Gold flashes in those brilliant green eyes...  
  
I want to pull him back. Force him to face me...  
  
I can, I could just call his name like I always end up doing. But that lonely, unfulfilled look in his clearing eyes pulls at my soul. I hate that sad look that flashes in his eyes as he's pulled back into reality.  
  
I raise my hand; something urges me to put my calloused hand on his shoulder. I want to show him that I'm here, despite the way I may act...  
  
I hesitate.  
  
He looks so much more peaceful when his mind wanders...  
  
It hovers above his shoulder.  
  
I feel like I'm losing him. Losing him to something I can't even see.  
  
My hand backs off, resting on the bed again.  
  
I am such a coward...  
  
I lean back on the wall, pulling my legs under me on the bed.  
  
Gazing at his face gives me pleasure but is tainted by loneliness. I love his features, his expressions, everything, but that blank look reminds me that he's not mine. Not all mine. A part of him wanders, escaping my desperate grasp...  
  
I snap back from the trance-like state as a tear slides down his pale face. The emerald pools shimmer.  
  
It's time to pull him back.  
  
"Kurama..." Nothing. More tears stream down his young ningen face.  
  
"Fox?" He usually jumps up at this point. More crystalline drops fall to the sheets.  
  
"Kurama!" I feel a gnawing sensation in the pits of my soul. I want him back! My arms wrap around him desperately, tightening as the tears fell on my cloak. My legs trail behind me.  
  
"Kurama..." I bury my face in the crook of his neck, wishing I could relive him of his pain.  
  
His body jerks slightly, I feel him stir.  
  
"Hiei?" I bury my face deeper, pulling some of his hair to my face, inhaling the scent, trying to convince myself that he's still here.  
  
Warm arms wrap around me.  
  
"Gomen, Hiei... I did it again, didn't I?" I can tell he's forcing a smile on his face again. An impossible playful tone tints his misery-drenched voice.  
  
"Fox..." I can't stand it anymore. Every time, he drifts farther and farther away...  
  
"Hai?" Calm like always. That damn "Perfect Student" tone...  
  
"Stop it already..." My face still remains hidden amongst his rose scented hair, my chin rests on his shoulder, some of his hair is in my mouth as I try to keep that sweet taste, that sweet scent...  
  
"Eh...?" His tone sounds confused. But I can tell it's just a mask. He knows. We both know.  
  
"Just stop it..." My voice trembles helplessly as I cling to the slim body more.  
  
"Hiei..." His voice drifts. He doesn't know what to say. He can't reassure me. He can't promise me anything.  
  
Silence falls on the room.  
  
"Kurama... Please..."I hate how weak I sound. How begging my tone is. But I can't stop myself. My mouth betrays me. My mask falls and the only thing remaining between me and total abandon is his hair, his neck, his body...  
  
The body that I cling so desperately to.  
  
"Hiei... You know I can't---"  
  
"DAMN THAT! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!" My body convulses, breathing becomes hard. A tear gem falls on the covers. I can hear him gulp back his own tears, trying to keep reason.  
  
"I can't Hiei. I stole this body... I can't abandon this life..." His voice trails off as if he's trying to convince himself more than me.  
  
"Kurama... Fox... I can see it! Damn it, I'm no fool! You're... You're..." More trembling. Thumping sounds on the sheets as gems fall uncontrollably.  
  
"Hiei..." He doesn't want to hear it. He knows. He knows...  
  
"Damn it fox... Don't kill your soul... Fox..." I say it anyway. His body shakes slightly, more gulping, more tears being forced back.  
  
My arms tighten more as if trying to anchor him to me.  
  
"Fox.. Kitsune..." I sound so damn weak...! Pathetic...  
  
"H...Hiei...Gomen...Gomen..." A wet teardrop falls on my hair, shattering against the spiky strands. He shakes, breathing deeply, no longer able to suppress all of the tears.  
  
"Kurama..."His arms tighten around my shoulders. He nuzzles the top of my head, resting his head on mine.  
  
We must be some sight... Two Youkai clinging desperately to each other, being so close physically yet so far mentally...Crying like kids...  
  
"Hiei-I can't.." A gulp as he tries to restrain himself. His resolve is weakening.  
  
"I...I..." I raise my face, probably looking like a scared ningen child. My scowl abandoned, eyes pained. His eyes meet mine.  
  
"I..." He breaks down, crying vocally, grasping at my cloak, my arms, anything to hold onto.  
  
"I want..." He sobs uncontrollably, "I..."  
  
"Fox..." My voice is hoarse.  
  
"I want to be free, Hiei... I can't do this anymore!" His throat produces desperate sounds. Tears fall endlessly.  
  
"Kitsune..."  
  
What can I do?  
  
O_o Well then. I kill him in my other story and torture him in this one. I   
  
am *so* optimistic.  
  
Hiei: Do you have a death wish...?  
  
Aoi: Eep! Gomen! It's just...  
  
Hiei: Just what? Fun? Eh??  
  
Aoi: ...Actually, it is. *Starts running*  
  
Okay. I just found this thing on my hard drive o.o I have no idea HOW long   
  
it's been sitting here, but it's probably (judging from my above comments)   
  
right after I wrote The Moon's Memory. Thus, the pathetic vocabulary, evil   
  
writing style, and horrid OOC ness. Anyways. If you didn't get it, it pretty   
  
much pursues the same issue as The Moon's Memory. (If you couldn't tell)   
  
Kurama is forcing himself to life the human life out, but his Youko side   
  
wants out and he wants to be free of the (somewhat) torturous ningen life   
  
(he has to act all of the time). Hiei is watching him torture himself, wants   
  
him to go back to Makai with him (or just stop acting) but knows he cannot   
  
do that. And to top it all off, Kurama is not only being 'tortured' (by   
  
boredom, heh) but his soul Youko soul is dying as a result of never being   
  
let out. Therefore, they're stuck in this whole "You can't live with it, but   
  
you can't live without it" ditch. Heh. So it's sort of the opposite approach   
  
as The Moon's Memory for the same plot. O.o And the 'drifting' thing is his   
  
Youko mind reminiscing or daydreaming about Makai, Youko life, etc. Poor   
  
bishonen... -sniffle-. I hate myself.  
  
R&R Onegai! No flames!  
  
Calli: -blinks slowly- Yeah·I hate you too. YOU MAKE THE BISHIES SUFFER!!! -bursts out crying- 


End file.
